Rules of the Order
Novices will not remain novices for long
Habits are compulsory - as long as they are bad.
Knickers must not be worn when kneeling at the altar of St James.
You must partake of the daily communion of Jamesons and pasties.
Expect the master to come amongst you whilst at prayer - he will indicate the chosen one by anointing your breasts with (baby) oil.
If the divine one wishes to come upon you, just lay back and enjoy it.
You must allow the saintly one into your body at least once a day.
Feelings of lust and desire are positively encouraged since the resulting moisture facilitates easy insertion of the holy rod.
Note: Failure to abide by these rules will lead to lengthy punishment by the divine one, using an implement of your choosing.
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The Jamesey Prayer
(How the Master taught us to pray)
Our Jamesey, who art from Blackwood,
Hallowed be thy Gibson.
Thy plectrum strums,
Thy songs be sung
In London as they are in Cardiff.
Give us each day our daily guitar solo,
And forgive us our eyeliner,
As we forgive those who wear Hearsay T-shirts.
Lead us into temptation (please!)
And deliver us from boy bands.
For thine is the Q award, the gold disc and the adulation.
For ever and ever.
Our Man (And what a man!)
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The Ten Commandments of St James of The Ever Erect Cock
1. Thou shalt worship no other rock god than me.
2. Thou shalt not put up posters of other rock bands either!
3. Thou shalt not slag me off when I forget the words.
4. Honour the day of the gig - for it is sacred.
5. Honour all other Jamesey addicts for they are the chosen ones.
6. Thou shalt not kill Nicky for his dress sense/singing/bad make-up days/big mouth (delete as applicable).
7. Thou shalt not commit adultery - except with me.
8. Thou shalt not steal another's feather boa.
9. Thou shalt not lie about how long you stood at the stage door waiting for me.
10. Thou shalt not covet a copy of Suicide Alley with the handmade cover, which would set you back a good few hundred quid.